Scenario: You are friend-zoned. The girl you like is dating a total douche turd, and yet again, he’s broken her heart. She comes knocking at your door at 11 at night, and you’re consoling her again. She needs comfort… And what’s more comforting than fresh bread and butter… But not just any butter, butter you MADE! ( don’t be pouring douchejuice from your mouth in the form of bragging about it though, just casually mention it) She will be so taken aback by your mad skills, she won’t be able to help picturing breakfast in bed with you the next morning.
35% whipping cream ( the bigger the carton, the more you get… Go to town if you’re feeling ballsy)
A bit of salt
Pour the cream into a stand mixer with the whisk attachment ( or hand mixer if you don’t have a stand, just be prepared for splatter) you can add a pinch of salt at this point if you’d like. Whip on the highest setting until it turns into whipped cream. Beat it a bit more and you will see it turn back into a liquid, then into chunks of butter.
Turn off the mixer and lump all the butter together with your hands. Save the liquid that’s left behind. That’s liquid gold… Or buttermilk. Whatever.
You can keep your butter as is in a big ol’ lump, or to help make it last longer, you can do a few rinses in cold water. To do this, just take your ball of butter and put it in cold water. Squeeze your butter. You will see plumes of buttermilk squeeze out. Dump your water and do it again. Repeat until your water stays clear.
That’s it! You can get fancy and add shit to your butter, ( herbs, garlic, fruit…) or leave it as is. Depends how much you want in her pants. Just don’t go overboard. Nothing will keep you friend zoned longer than bragging about your cooking.
Me, eating some creamy as fuck ricotta
Third date. Shes coming over to your place for the first time, and you want to dazzle her. Shes the kinda gal who doesnt see apartments until the third date. All around a class act you wouldnt be totally embarassed to introduce to your mom. You have plans to watch a movie (which in its self is a whole other problem…psst…go with a comedy) but what to snack on? Chips? (too greasy) Pop corn? (too cliche!)
I know. A cheese and cracker spread…with wine. Casual but refined. Like your lady. But instead of busting out a brick of cracker barrel… elevate that shit to *holy fucking god!* and MAKE SOME RICOTTA! She will be so god damned impressed…I mean, who the fuck makes cheese?!
You do good sir. You do.
3 cups whole milk
1 cup heavy cream
1/2 teaspoon coarse sea salt
3 tablespoons freshly squeezed lemon juice
Pour the milk, cream and salt into a large-ish stainless steel pot. Attach a candy or deep-fry thermometer. Heat the milk to 190°F, stirring it occasionally to keep it from scorching on the bottom. (I cannot emphasise this enough!) Remove from heat and add the lemon juice, then stir it once or twice, gently and slowly. Let the pot sit undisturbed for 5 minutes.
Line a colander with a few layers of cheesecloth and place it over the sink. Pour the curds and whey into the colander and let the curds strain for at least an hour. At an hour, you’ll have a tender, spreadable ricotta. At two hours, it will be spreadable but a bit firmer, almost like cream cheese. Eat the ricotta right away or transfer it to an airtight container and refrigerate until ready to use.
You can put that onto toasted baguettes and drizzle with honey, or maybe some balsamic vinegar… Pop some grapes onto your cheese platter, get some crackers… And get to deciding on what movie to watch. Pressures on cowboy!
Your friend has invited you to a BBQ. His girlfriend has this hot friend you just *know* will be coming. Impress the panties off her by busting out this mustard you made yourself. That’s right…MUSTARD! I promise its way easier than it sounds. Just don’t let her know that, and soak in the compliments and revel in the admiring looks she will be sending your way.
- 1/3 cup (55g) mustard seeds
- 1/3 cup (80ml) white wine vinegar
- 1/3 cup (80ml) dry white wine (or water)
- 1 tablespoon maple syrup
- 1 teaspoon ground turmeric
- 1/2 teaspoon salt
- big pinch of cayenne
- 2-4 tablespoons warm water, if necessary
1. Combine all the ingredients in a stainless-steel bowl. Cover, and let stand for 2-3 days.
2. Put the ingredients in a blender and whiz until as smooth as possible. Add 2 to 4 tablespoons of water if the mustard is too thick.
That’s it Killer! Pour that shit into a hipster approved Mason jar and you’ve got yourself a guaranteed date for next Saturday.
You wake up next to someone not half bad looking. You notice a tattoo of R2D2 on their arm…its love at first *sober* sight. So how do you ensure such a spark of luck stays around long enough to grab their for real number?
You make this of course! Its quick enough that you can honestly say “I just whipped it together” and be all cool about it…and not look like a psycho clingy stalker. Win-Win.
- 2 eggs
- 1/2 cup milk
- 1/2 teaspoon granulated sugar
- 8 ounces cream cheese
- 12 slices white bread
- 1 cup fresh blue berries (or frozen, whatever)
- Butter, for cooking
- Maple Syrup (for serving…don’t be cheap and use the fake shit)
- Blueberry Syrup If you can find it. I got mine at the local farmers market. OR be a true baller and make your own.
- Confectioners’ sugar, for serving
In a small bowl, whisk together the eggs, milk, and granulated sugar. Spread the cream cheese on half of the bread slices and top with blueberries Top with the remaining 6 bread slices and press around the edges to seal.
Melt butter in a frying pan over medium-low heat. Dip the sandwiches in the egg mixture for a few seconds on each side. Cook the sandwiches until golden brown, 2 to 3 minutes per side. Serve with maple syrup, blueberry syrup, or confectioners’ sugar. OR ALL THREE! (if sugar induced comas are your thing)