Home made butter. Cuz bitches love butter.

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Scenario: You are friend-zoned. The girl you like is dating a total douche turd, and yet again, he’s broken her heart. She comes knocking at your door at 11 at night, and you’re consoling her again. She needs comfort… And what’s more comforting than fresh bread and butter… But not just any butter, butter you MADE! ( don’t be pouring douchejuice from your mouth in the form of bragging about it though, just casually mention it) She will be so taken aback by your mad skills, she won’t be able to help picturing breakfast in bed with you the next morning.

INGREDIENTS

35% whipping cream ( the bigger the carton, the more you get… Go to town if you’re feeling ballsy)
A bit of salt

DIRECTIONS

Pour the cream into a stand mixer with the whisk attachment ( or hand mixer if you don’t have a stand, just be prepared for splatter) you can add a pinch of salt at this point if you’d like. Whip on the highest setting until it turns into whipped cream. Beat it a bit more and you will see it turn back into a liquid, then into chunks of butter.

Turn off the mixer and lump all the butter together with your hands. Save the liquid that’s left behind. That’s liquid gold… Or buttermilk. Whatever.

You can keep your butter as is in a big ol’ lump, or to help make it last longer, you can do a few rinses in cold water. To do this, just take your ball of butter and put it in cold water. Squeeze your butter. You will see plumes of buttermilk squeeze out. Dump your water and do it again. Repeat until your water stays clear.

That’s it! You can get fancy and add shit to your butter, ( herbs, garlic, fruit…) or leave it as is. Depends how much you want in her pants. Just don’t go overboard. Nothing will keep you friend zoned longer than bragging about your cooking.

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