Raunchy Ranch

Homemade-ranch-dressing-dip-31

Scenario:

You’ve been invited to a dinner party at your current crushes place. A few close friends, a bit of wine…should be easy, right?

NO! Everyone else is paired up, except you AND her! This is your chance to show her what life would be like with you as a partner. It is recommended you bring a gift for the hostess, and I recommend…this amazing ranch dip/dressing. Its both! It’s versatile! It’s stupid easy! But more importantly, if shes the kind of gal who throws dinner parties, shes likely the type how would be impressed with someone making such a fresh and light take on whats normally a staple at the veggie tray.

Ingredients:

1 clove of Garlic (seriously…JUST ONE! This gets super garlicy very easily)
Salt To Taste
1/4 cup Italian Flat-leaf Parsley
2 Tablespoons Fresh Chives (or green onions, use what you’ve got I say!)
1 cup Mayonnaise (not miracle whip! I cannot stress this enough!)
1/2 cup Sour Cream
Buttermilk (or milk, again, use what you’ve got, just enough to give it the consistency you want)
1 dash Worcestershire Sauce
Fresh Dill (this is optional, so to taste)
A good squirt of sriracha (the rooster sauce!)

 

Directions:

Mince the garlic with a knife and then sprinkle about an 1/8 to ¼ teaspoons of salt on it and mash it into a paste with a fork. Chop the parsley, chives and any of the optional herbs very finely and add to the garlic.

In a bowl combine all ingredients, adding other ingredients, tasting frequently and adjusting seasonings as needed. Chill for a couple of hours before serving, thin with milk or buttermilk if desired.

This is a very flexible recipe. It can be adapted to your own tastes, and, since you will be impressing the socks off your dream gal with it, it’s sure to become a staple in your co-hosted dinner parties in the future. Because your kind of lame like that. And thats O-K!

Drunk Grilled Cheese

10898_10151281213186246_1555948345_n

scenario:

You just got in from a night of binge drinking. After party is at your place and everyone is looking for some shitty food to go with their shitty choices tonight. I bring you: The most disgusting/delicious thing i’ve ever concocted while drunk…and It. Is. Awesome.

Ingredients:

Bread (whatever you have on hand)
Old cheddar cheese
Kraft Singles
Left over KD
Loads of Jalapeno chips by Presidents Choice
Salt and pepper
Srirracha
Butter

Directions

Butter each side of two slices of bread. Pop her into a frying pan on medium high heat. You’ll want both slices in the pan since this is a very thick grilled cheese and likely wont warm through if you dont get it at least started on both slices at the beginning.
Place a kraft single and some of the old cheddar onto one slice. sprinkle with salt and pepper. Top the other slice with your leftover KD, a few chips, and the srirracha to taste. (or drench it in it, like I do)

let that heat through until the cheese starts to melt. Take both slices, slap em together and devour.

Protip: Dip this in ketchup. Were eating a disgusting monstrosity of a sandwhich, dont be fancy about it.

And thats it! your drunk ass will SO thank you in the moment, and hate you the next day. Kind of like the choices you made tonight. Have fun!

naughty gnocchi

184229_10151264761331246_375348621_n

Scenario:

You and your partner are celebrating a special occasion. Your first as an official “couple”… and who are we kidding…the bars set high in her mind. If you pull this off…marathons of coitus are sure to follow. Italian is always the go-to celebration menu, and gnocchi is always a sure hit. But…

Ever eat gnocchi and have that bogged down feeling? Yeah. Me too. That’s from using the pre-packaged kind from a store shelf. You know what doesn’t lead to marathons of coitus? Being bogged down.

Luckily, through trial and error, I have managed to put together a version that doesn’t leave you feeling bogged down, leaves your lady feeling impressed, and you with enough free time to do a bit of stretching before hand.

Ingredients

2 large Russet potatoes. Bout 2 pounds worth
1/4 cup egg, lightly beaten
a bit less than 1 cup of unbleached all-purpose flour
fine grain sea salt

Fill a large pot with cold water. Salt the water, then cut potatoes in half and place them in the pot. Bring the water to a boil and cook the potatoes until tender throughout, this takes roughly 40-50 minutes. This is where you go to a bit of stretching while you wait.

Remove the potatoes from the water one at a time with a slotted spoon. Place each potato piece on a large cutting board and peel it before moving on to the next potato. Also, peel each potato as soon as possible after removing from the water (without burning yourself) – I’ve found a paring knife comes in handy here. Be mindful that you want to work relatively quickly so you can mash the potatoes when they are hot. To do this you can either push the potatoes through a ricer, or do what I do, deconstruct them one at a time on the cutting board using the tines of a fork – mash isn’t quite the right term here. I run the fork down the sides of the peeled potato creating a nice, fluffy potato base to work with. Don’t over-mash – you are simply after an even consistency with no noticeable lumps.

Save the potato water.

Let the potatoes cool spread out across the cutting board – ten or fifteen minutes. Just do this long enough that the egg won’t cook when it is incorporated into the potatoes. When you are ready, pull the potatoes into a soft mound – drizzle with the beaten egg and sprinkle 3/4 cup of the flour across the top. I’ve found that a metal spatula or large pastry scraper are both great utensils to use to incorporate the flour and eggs into the potatoes with the egg incorporated throughout – you can see the hint of yellow from the yolk. Scrape underneath and fold, scrape and fold until the mixture is a light crumble. Very gently, with a feathery touch knead the dough. This is also the point you can add more flour (a sprinkle at a time) if the dough is too tacky. I usually end up using most of the remaining 1/4 cup flour, but it all depends on the potatoes, the flour, the time of year, the weather, and whether the gnocchi gods are smiling on you. The dough should be moist but not sticky. It should feel almost billowy. Cut it into 8 pieces. Now gently roll each 1/8th of dough into a snake-shaped log, roughly the thickness of your thumb. Use a knife to cut pieces every 3/4-inch. Dust with a bit more flour.

To shape the gnocchi hold a fork in one hand and place a gnocchi pillow against the tines of the fork, cut ends out. With confidence and an assertive (but light) touch, use your thumb and press in and down the length of the fork. The gnocchi should curl into a slight “C” shape, their backs will capture the impression of the tines as tiny ridges (good for catching sauce later). Set each gnocchi aside, dust with a bit more flour if needed, until you are ready to boil them. This step takes some practice, don’t get discouraged, once you get the hang of it it’s easy.

Now that you are on the final stretch, either reheat your potato water or start with a fresh pot (salted), and bring to a boil. Cook the gnocchi in batches by dropping them into the boiling water roughly twenty at a time. They will let you know when they are cooked because they will pop back up to the top. Fish them out of the water a few at a time with a slotted spoon ten seconds or so after they’ve surfaced. Have a large platter ready with a generous swirl of bechamel sauce, a few plum tomatoes, a bit of spinach and pine nuts. Drizzle with your best olive oil. Maybe some truffle oil if you’re feeling extra fancy.

It sounds like alot…but its way easier than it sounds. You’ll get into a groove and it will come together easily.

Besides, you will need those carbs for energy come tonight. meow.

Strawberry Butter-face

strawbutter

Maybe I’ve been watching too much Archer, but every time I eat some Strawberry butter, I cant help but think “Pam would eat the shit out of this”.

So, for you who have a Pam in your life…some one who you cant help but bang, despite all your other senses being disgusted with the person… Here’s a recipe to make the next morning to say “Thanks for keeping this between us…”

Ingredients:
1 stick of butter softened (real butter not margarine…don’t make me preach it)
1/2 cup of chopped strawberries
1/4 cup of confectioners sugar – more or less to taste

Literally all you do is throw those three things in to a food processor (you can use a blender or mixer as well) and mix.

That’s it. Easy-Peazy. Like your Pam. You can spread it on pretty much anything. Bread, toast, bagels, crackers, Pams ass…

Sploosh.

Home made butter. Cuz bitches love butter.

20130622-175556.jpg

Scenario: You are friend-zoned. The girl you like is dating a total douche turd, and yet again, he’s broken her heart. She comes knocking at your door at 11 at night, and you’re consoling her again. She needs comfort… And what’s more comforting than fresh bread and butter… But not just any butter, butter you MADE! ( don’t be pouring douchejuice from your mouth in the form of bragging about it though, just casually mention it) She will be so taken aback by your mad skills, she won’t be able to help picturing breakfast in bed with you the next morning.

INGREDIENTS

35% whipping cream ( the bigger the carton, the more you get… Go to town if you’re feeling ballsy)
A bit of salt

DIRECTIONS

Pour the cream into a stand mixer with the whisk attachment ( or hand mixer if you don’t have a stand, just be prepared for splatter) you can add a pinch of salt at this point if you’d like. Whip on the highest setting until it turns into whipped cream. Beat it a bit more and you will see it turn back into a liquid, then into chunks of butter.

Turn off the mixer and lump all the butter together with your hands. Save the liquid that’s left behind. That’s liquid gold… Or buttermilk. Whatever.

You can keep your butter as is in a big ol’ lump, or to help make it last longer, you can do a few rinses in cold water. To do this, just take your ball of butter and put it in cold water. Squeeze your butter. You will see plumes of buttermilk squeeze out. Dump your water and do it again. Repeat until your water stays clear.

That’s it! You can get fancy and add shit to your butter, ( herbs, garlic, fruit…) or leave it as is. Depends how much you want in her pants. Just don’t go overboard. Nothing will keep you friend zoned longer than bragging about your cooking.

Racey Ricotta

Image

Me, eating some creamy as fuck ricotta

Scenario:

Third date. Shes coming over to your place for the first time, and you want to dazzle her. Shes the kinda gal who doesnt see apartments until the third date. All around a class act you wouldnt be totally embarassed to introduce to your mom. You have plans to watch a movie (which in its self is a whole other problem…psst…go with a comedy) but what to snack on? Chips? (too greasy) Pop corn? (too cliche!)

I know. A cheese and cracker spread…with wine. Casual but refined. Like your lady. But instead of busting out a brick of cracker barrel… elevate that shit to *holy fucking god!* and MAKE SOME RICOTTA! She will be so god damned impressed…I mean, who the fuck makes cheese?!

You do good sir. You do.

INGREDIENTS

3 cups whole milk
1 cup heavy cream
1/2 teaspoon coarse sea salt
3 tablespoons freshly squeezed lemon juice

DIRECTIONS

Pour the milk, cream and salt into a large-ish stainless steel pot. Attach a candy or deep-fry thermometer. Heat the milk to 190°F, stirring it occasionally to keep it from scorching on the bottom. (I cannot emphasise this enough!)  Remove from heat and add the lemon juice, then stir it once or twice, gently and slowly. Let the pot sit undisturbed for 5 minutes.

Line a colander with a few layers of cheesecloth and place it over the sink. Pour the curds and whey into the colander and let the curds strain for at least an hour. At an hour, you’ll have a tender, spreadable ricotta. At two hours, it will be spreadable but a bit firmer, almost like cream cheese. Eat the ricotta right away or transfer it to an airtight container and refrigerate until ready to use.

You can put that onto toasted baguettes and drizzle with honey, or maybe some balsamic vinegar… Pop some grapes onto your cheese platter, get some crackers… And get to deciding on what movie to watch. Pressures on cowboy!

Hipster-tastic White Wine Mustard

mustard

Scenario:

Your friend has invited you to a BBQ. His girlfriend has this hot friend you just *know* will be coming. Impress the panties off her by busting out this mustard you made yourself. That’s right…MUSTARD! I promise its way easier than it sounds. Just don’t let her know that, and soak in the compliments and revel in the admiring looks she will be sending your way.

Ingredients

  • 1/3 cup (55g) mustard seeds
  • 1/3 cup (80ml) white wine vinegar
  • 1/3 cup (80ml) dry white wine (or water)
  • 1 tablespoon maple syrup
  • 1 teaspoon ground turmeric
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • big pinch of cayenne
  • 2-4 tablespoons warm water, if necessary

Directions

1. Combine all the ingredients in a stainless-steel bowl. Cover, and let stand for 2-3 days.

2. Put the ingredients in a blender and whiz until as smooth as possible. Add 2 to 4 tablespoons of water if the mustard is too thick.

That’s it Killer! Pour that shit into a hipster approved Mason jar and you’ve got yourself a guaranteed date for next Saturday.

Blueberries and Cream Cheese Stuffed French Toast

 

10553_10151442244606246_1092402273_n

Scenario:
You wake up next to someone not half bad looking. You notice a tattoo of R2D2 on their arm…its love at first *sober* sight. So how do you ensure such a spark of luck stays around long enough to grab their for real number?

You make this of course! Its quick enough that you can honestly say “I just whipped it together” and be all cool about it…and not look like a psycho clingy stalker. Win-Win.

Ingredients

  • 2 eggs
  • 1/2 cup milk
  • 1/2 teaspoon granulated sugar
  • 8 ounces cream cheese
  • 12 slices white bread
  • 1 cup fresh blue berries (or frozen, whatever)
  • Butter, for cooking
  • Maple Syrup (for serving…don’t be cheap and use the fake shit)
  • Blueberry Syrup If you can find it. I got mine at the local farmers market. OR be a true baller and make your own.
  • Confectioners’ sugar, for serving

Directions

In a small bowl, whisk together the eggs, milk, and granulated sugar. Spread the cream cheese on half of the bread slices and top with blueberries Top with the remaining 6 bread slices and press around the edges to seal.

Melt butter in a frying pan over medium-low heat. Dip the sandwiches in the egg mixture for a few seconds on each side. Cook the sandwiches until golden brown, 2 to 3 minutes per side. Serve with maple syrup, blueberry syrup, or confectioners’ sugar. OR ALL THREE! (if sugar induced comas are your thing)